Standing on the Promises

It’s my typical practice to NOT act out of emotion (at least online). Like the old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

In light of that, I’ve been intentionally less intentional with my social media lately – and I hate that. But, overall, I haven’t felt like I “Look Happier” sooo, why lie?

Since I fancy myself an authentic person, I’d be very uncomfortable simply playing along with ‘regularly scheduled programming’ when in fact, my heart and my mind have not been in any sort of ‘regular’ place for me.

It all started after the dust settled on my wonderful two-book deal. Wouldn’t you think I had so much to celebrate and that SHOULD be enough? Apparently, that’s one way things could have gone… But for me, it seems I lost sight of what should have been joyous and that joy was UPSTAGED and replaced with fear. I was scared.

Because something good had happened to me and surely there wasn’t space for any more good. I couldn’t (and shouldn’t) have a monopoly on God’s goodness! So instead of looking for opportunities for more good, I cowered under a fear umbrella, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think my mindset lost her way because I truly believed two or three REALLY good things had happened recently, and I was so grateful! Certainly there wasn’t space for more?

I found myself thinking if there’s no more room in my goodness bucket, what is there to hope for? So, I peeked into the near future, assuming the days ahead were a desert or wasteland, because obviously nothing ELSE good was going to happen. I didn’t deserve even one drop more.

But I have good news: my negative mindset met its match while standing in worship on a Sunday morning. A new song (to me) was performed at our church and it gave me EVERYTHING I needed and more.

We sung, “Seek first the Kingdom and it’s treasures and everything else it will be added. All that I needed. I know the Lord will provide. I know my God’s not empty handed. He gives us blessings upon blessings. I’m still believing, I know the Lord will provide.”

After finding out what that song was, I downloaded it and listened to it on repeat. I was encouraged. I had something new to hold on to: I hadn’t considered the concept of blessings upon blessings. He DOESN’T withhold from us! I SHOULD know better! And I knew exactly what to do next: Seek first the Kingdom.

Just as I thought I was getting my footing again…

I received a pass from a publisher on a very niche project that I’d hoped and prayed would be a RESOUNDING YES. But it wasn’t the pass that got me: it was the immediate distrust I felt for this publisher. My gut instinct told me they’d take my idea and rework it themselves, laughing all the way to the bank. Ha ha ha! I think that because *seriously* only a fool would say that it wasn’t a GREAT idea. I still get a publishing version of PTSD any time their name comes up.

The result of this truly unexpected event was distrust, anger, sadness, DISGUST, and apparently darkness. It left me feeling zapped. Zapped in my mind and zapped of all joy.

One day, in the thick of it, I was moving laundry from the washer to the dryer and I had zero reason to be so heavy-laden or burdened. I even went over the list in my mind of what all I had on my plate: nothing at all worthy – no reason to feel so weighed down. That’s when I realized I was as close to true depression as I’d ever been. And I knew it was wrong. I knew I needed to fight. So, I went with what I surely know: The joy of the Lord is my strength.

I stated that over and over again in my mind: The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength. The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Now, I’d only heard that song a few times, so the fact that it popped into my mind exactly when I needed it…that was a true miracle. Did it fix everything, right then and there? Nope. But I was fighting. And that felt like something.

Then that Sunday, when we got situated at church, I looked up to the screens to see the list of worship songs planned for the day. What do I see?

The Joy. And that right there: that divine intervention, it filled my entire body with the purest of relief. Thank you, God.

After that, things started going much better for me mentally. So much so, I even bounced back quickly from a failed trip to acquisitions for my NF project. It’s tough out there, guys!

And that brings us to now. Now is just a next-level battle and the most absolutely out of my control my life has ever been – our home, our plans, our hopes, our finances, everything is up in air. Every morning, I’m greeted by my Savior with new mercies. Every morning I pray sincerely, surrendering it all to Him. It’s faith-building. It’s sanctifying. And it’s the only thing I can do as we wait.

Today, I sung in the shower, quietly at first, but then louder and louder I’m all alone, why not? “I’m standing, standing, standing on the promises of Christ my Savior! I’m standing, standing, standing on the promises of God!”

It’s been quite a year – I hope I have good news to share with you soon!

Featured Image: A rainbow I captured one evening in August on our back porch. For me, rainbows are a reminder of God’s Promises.